Tough

Today has been tough.
Elise seems to be doing fine. We saw the surgeon today and he was cautiously optimistic. Wants to follow her a little more closely than he originally thought, so we will see him again next week. I, on the other hand, am struggling today. I usually stay focused on the kids and what is going on with them here, but today I just feel like I need to vent and for some reason this just feels like a good place to do it. Lila and Bennett are napping and Elise is playing quietly in her room. I should be getting things accomplished (laundry caught up on and boxes unpacked), but all I can do is sit here frozen while my mind races. I keep going over and over Thursday night and what happened. I keep revisiting the horrible visit to the ER on Sunday. I keep picturing sweet Bax sitting in a kennel probably totally confused. And I can't stop crying. I guess I kept everything suppressed this week as I spent 24-7 with Elise. I had to stay strong for her. And trust me, I know that among many other people's problems these are very small. I really do know that. I keep reminding myself of that and hoping that will make it hurt less. But, it doesn't. I miss my dog. And then, I get mad at myself for missing an animal that hurt my child so badly. The truth is that as much as I complained about Baxter, his shedding, his neediness, and as much as I really did not have the time to give him the attention he needed anymore, I still love him and he was a member of our family. That is just how we view our animals, and both David and I were brought up that way. It feels weird to be home and not have him here, not have a dog here. Other than my first 3 years in college, when I lived in a dorm, I have always had a dog. Always. I guess the bottom line is that I just really don't like any of our options right now. We had a few potential new homes for Bax, and those have all fallen through. I truly believe that he would be miserable in a shelter. Obviously, he cannot come back here. (And this has been reiterated to me by every Dr. we saw in the hospital). We've been warned against giving him away to someone we don't know...as sadly those animals are often abused. The vets that have treated him his whole life (and that we have known forever) feel that he should be euthanized. He has exhibited aggressive behavior in the past (only to other dogs who have first been aggressive towards him) and has now bitten a child. They said that adopting him out may be passing on a problem, and that as he ages his tolerance level may just be getting less and less. So, that is where we are. In a sucky situation (for lack of a better word).
It's tough.
I guess this is sort of a lesson. Something I have been learning (though never this brutally before) in my short time as a parent.
Selfishness has to go out the window.
Parents have to make sacrifices for their children. Up until now I have been lucky and those sacrifices have just been superficial (although fun :)) things like Starbucks and manicures and pedicures! But it doesn't matter if it is hard for me, or David, or even Elise, and if we are sad because we can't keep our pet any longer. What matters is that above all else, we have to protect our children to the best of our ability. Even if it means making a very hard decision that we really don't want to make.
It's tough.